"Used to Run"

I am intrigued by happiness.  Just in the past few months I have read or re-read Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project", Jonathan Haidt's "The Happiness Hypothesis", Marci Shimoff's "Happy for No Reason", Eric Weiner's "The Geography of Bliss", Daniel Gilbert's "Stumbling on Happiness", and many other fabulous books that don't actually have a 'happiness' synonym in the title, but are essentially about the same thing.

I think part of the intrigue comes from how bewildering difficult something so simple seems.  I may know that I would be far happier going for a run or calling up a friend than falling asleep on the couch after work, yet I can say that nearly every afternoon I cozy up with cushions, instead of lacing up my running shoes.

My worst habit is that I inexplicably over-schedule myself almost constantly.  Once again, I know that I am happiest if I have at least two or three evenings a week where the only thing I have planned is reading a good book or playing whist with my boyfriend.  Yet, almost without fail I will agree to meet up with friends, or my ultimate weakness: work.  There was one period last semester that I worked 6 weekends in a row, along with my usual work/school schedule.  Despite the fact that I inevitably end up in tears, when a final, tiny, responsibility, like making my lunch for the next day, breaks me.  I realize that I have burnt myself out again, and for a few days concentrate on taking care of myself and saying no to work or social commitments.  Then, gradually, the cycle starts over, and 2 months later I am crying on my bed again.

 I don't think I am alone in this.  While not everyone works themselves into the ground, imagining it will make them happy, most people seem to have some weakness that they keep returning to.  Some imagine that buying new things, clothes, technology, cars, or fancy beauty enhancers (pick your poison) will bring that elusive happiness, only to come home wondering why they feel empty.  Others think a high-end job, a new romance, or moving to an exotic location will do the trick.  For the spiritual bypassers, every new meditation technique, workshop, or guru seems to promise what they seek.

Don't know what I'm gonna make of this.
Feeling contemplative today.
I'm used to finding solace
In what I bought or what I thought but
That's not going to be satisfactory today. 

Sister Hazel points out that all these happiness strategies can backfire when the solace we are seeking is not found.  In Buddhism, and probably most spiritual traditions, happiness really can only be found 'within'.  Your circumstances actually have very little to do with how happy you can be.  The classic example is that of the Dalai Lama: in exile from his beloved home, he still seems to radiate pure joy of being.  

In "Used to Run" there seems to be determination to figure all this out:

Used to run and try to hide,
Today I'll stay and pick a side

And if I die well least I tried